Captain Ricewynd's me name, the fastest Pirate in the Sea of Thieves and I've got the speeding tickets to prove it.
Allow me to recite the tale of my adventures with one salty little Pirate Captain, I never knew his name, only the ferocious look in his eyes as he chased me from The Ancient Isles to The Shores of Plenty, to the Devils Roar and even into the veil itself.
It starts, as all good tales do, in the pub. A drunkard, fat he was with one eye, sat on the floor crying tales to all those who would listen of distant lands where the buildings were paved with gold, the rivers ran with gold, the trees were gold and bore gold fruit which burst open with the juice of...more...gold.
basically there was a lot of Gold.
Now me, I love gold. You can give it to other people and they will give you stuff and I LOVE stuff. Knew a guy in Madagascar would give you a fruit basket for 3 gold with a little bow tie and everything, and old Jess down in Kingston for 2 gold would draw your face onto an octopus and then beat the devil out of it.
Strange woman that Jess, anyway where was I?
So it was me and me crew. Old Penny me trusty Tankard, Fingers the Cockatiel, and Brian a pig I forgot to offload at Ancient Spire.
We'd just hit the shore of Discovery Ridge, fixed the hole, then moored. I had a map to follow and a chest to dig up. With spade in hand, I set up the beach determined to find me some fresh booty. And maybe a few more planks.
Once I reached the summit of a small hill I turned to admire me ship, the Chunky Pigeon, as she sat glimmering in the bay, her fresh coat of paint sparkled in the sun like a hundred brilliant rubies and it was there I saw it.
Black she was, from sail to hull. I could see her just on the horizon, racing toward me like the devil was behind her.
Fast as me legs could carry me I raced down the beach and climbed onboard just as the dreaded black ships hull crashed into mine, the great thumping sound of wood splintering echo'd throughout the dim morning haze as both ships screamed in agony.
I saw the other Captian, like me he was alone with no crew other than his left hand. He lept from his ship, barrel of gunpowder in hand and made a dash for me ladder.
But he did not know the name of the ship he rammed nor it's famed Captian.
I am Captian Ricewynd, the fastest Pirate in the Sea of Thieves and I never drop me Anchor!
I threw down the sails. The Chunky Pigeon leapt forward, her hull so full of holes I could have gone fishing in her hold. I looked down and saw the face of the other Captian, glaring at me with those wide devil eyes, frothing at the mouth that his prize of slightly inconveniencing me had been snatched away at the last minute.
I laughed and went below to patch up me darling vessel. But was I not to know this would not be the end of this tale.
For whence I returned to deck I looked back to see those same black sails behind me. The devil himself sat behind the wheel, his fists clenched in anger, steam poured from his ears and salt rained from his jaws as he tried desperately to catch up to me.
I must admit, I may have let him get a little closer than I should 'ave. But the sight of a wild nooblington in a fit of rage is one of Gods most wonderful of creatures, and I could not help myself but gaze in wonder.
The chase was on, but try as he might he could not catch me, I dodged and waved around islands but still, he kept coming. I twisted around rocks and doubled backed on him yet still he was undeterred.
I threw my back to the wind and watched as his ship became naught but a speck on the horizon but I knew each time I stopped he'd come sailing in.
For days we chased each other. From Sharkbiat Cove to the Forsaken Brink, I hid behind Daggers Tooth but his maddening eyes sought me out wherever I traveled. I led him to the Devils Roar where I toyed with the fates of fortune around the blasted mountain herself, through the wrecks of many an unaware sailor who moored too close to her screams, yet even as fire rained down upon him still he chased. I looped around the Ashen Reaches and sped out into the Devils Vial and yet even as the waters turned red and background music slammed into the devils C minor did he not stop.
On the third day, my patience for this maddened Captian began to wear thin. I weaved between the Galleons of Pirate Hunters, dodging cannon fire and abusive comments but to no avail.
It was finally at Reapers Hideout I got him.
I saw the twin islands ahead and hatched myself a little plan, speeding past them I threw myself into full gear, watching him slowly vanish into the Horizon, then I turned, full battle turn as if to finally confront my pursuer and sped untoward him.
And worked it did.
Egear at the chance to finally get a shot off at me he turned sharply, exposing his broadside. His shot missed and I answered with more speed. I came so close to his hull had I still me left hand to strike out me sword I would have decapitated him.
Confused he turned and launched after me. But before he could I was a mile ahead. Scrambling quickly he jumped to his crow's nest and spotted me on the other side of Reapers Hideout, sitting just off the coast with me sails down.
I thought to meself, this Captian ain't too bright, head full of cabbage, but is he stupid.
And would you adam and eve it, he was.
Thrilled at the chance of finally catching me with me pants down he sped full sail towards me, right between the two islands of Reapers Hideout and right into the shallows.
The almighty crunch of wood snapping as his hull beached itself upon the rocks was like music to an old sailors ears.
He lept from his broken ship and charged after me, musket in hand. but I had already set sail, for I am Captian Ricewynd, the fastest Pirate alive and I never drop me anchor.
I heard him scream from the shore, words so cursed his mother would slap him into next week for daring to utter them. I hid behind a rock some way away and waited, played a hand or two with Brian and was only 20 gold coins down when I saw our angry little friend go screaming past, full sail, eyes locked directly ahead, searching for me.
Course I sailed the other way, returned to collect me chest at Discovery Ridge and turned it in for just about enough profit to offset me debts. I've heard tales of course, perhaps he is still out there, that mad salty Pirate, chasing shadows determine to sink that one ship he could never catch up to.
And the moral of the story is, never play a pig at poker, crafty little devils cheat I swear by it.