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Pirate Times

Bringing You Ocean Tales From The Sea Of Thieves
September Edition
14th Sep
Price 1 Coin


A Perfect Storm of Perils?

Tales of heroism against Captain Warsmith's fleet have been pouring in to the poky Pirate Times office, some stranger than others. Pirate captain @CrazyJuan77 has such a claim to fame, taking on skeleton ships and a Megalodon at the same time… amidst a raging storm!

Several such reports have arisen, with pirate @mlgcowboy seeing a great shark attack a skeleton ship head-on! Maybe they hate the living and the dead equally.

Pictured: mischievous Meg putting holes in a hull, yesterday


Love is a Captain's Chest

Pictured: as fine a material display of dedication as any we've seen

We almost shed a tear here at the Pirate Times when we saw the effort that pirate OfficerThrusty made to give his lady friend a proper pirate birthday.

He crafted a Captain's Chest for his beloved, filled with trinkets like an art book, flag, candles, chocolate, doubloons, a goblet and more! A treasure trove for a treasured person. Strange pirate names aside, we know and admire true love when we see it.

Charitable Legends Share Loot

Pictured: a haul all the better for having someone else do the hauling

The Sea of Thieves is aptly named for the most part, but when a pair of Pirate Legends shows up to make another seafarer's day with an amazing gift, we have to wonder!

The very happy pirate LemonsAndSugar got quite a shock when the pair boarded their ship and left chests and skulls worth around 10,000 gold. The Pirate Times wishes to inform this saintly duo that our office always welcomes donations…


Bards' Becalmed Claims Our Hearts

One of the most popular shanties on the Sea of Thieves is 'Becalmed', a soulful ballad that most of us have learned to play on hurdy-gurdy, drum and concertina.

However, even famed bards like Merrick have new competition from a group called Darling Harbor, performing without instruments and with their own lyrics! These pirates have fine voices, sure to stir the hearts of even the saltiest sea dogs.

Pictured: Pirate Times interns stage their own entirely unshareable version

Sport and Leisure

Sails Unfurled for Brigatta!

Pictured: some boy (and girl) racers disturbing the ocean peace

Those wily pirates from the Fortune crew have done it again, organising a competitive event for four infamous crews: The Cutthroats, The Iron Fleet's Ironborn, The Rogue Legends' Blackguard and Fortune's Golden.

The Brigatta event put them all in a tense race across the Sea of Thieves, with victory eventually sealed by the Cutthroats' skilled hands. Watch out for future freebooter sail-offs!

Rock Fan Throws First Stone

Pictured: our artist's impression of the contentious convention

A meeting of the Sea of Thieves Geological Society ended in a brawl after an accusation of falsifying a rock. The group of lonely pirates meets to discuss geological findings, but Solo McKay surprised all with a lump of solid magma.

A member accused the rock of "just being painted black" due to a notable lack of volcanoes in the area. Solo answered this by giving the pirate a black eye with it.

Top Tips

Skeleton Ships Sunk in Expensively Inventive Style!

Pirates on the battlefront seeking new ways to take down the tougher skeleton ships have discovered an interesting method: by gifting them a Chest of Sorrow!

Many of the skellies didn't know what hit them as their ships filled with water and sank like stones. Several other crews have now adopted this cheeky (and expensive) but hilarious tactic. Fighting curses with curses, bravo!

Pictured: time to skip the blood and sweat and go straight to the tears

Public Notices

A Lot of Loot to Lose

Pictured: plunder sinking to the sea bad, a sore sight for any pirate

Sometimes even bloodthirsty pirates feel a pang of guilt at their actions. That's true of pirate LKRTM, who told tavern-goers they wished to apologise to the Sloop sailor they had just sunk.

The Sloop was absolutely packed with treasure, at least 15 chests – something LKRTM didn't realise at the time. A good reason to feel bad! But what does this pirate’s name mean? Let Krakens Rapidly Tickle Me?

Not Big and Not Clever

Pictured: a device solely intended for application to the eyeball

The Pirate Times asks all pirates to retain some measure of dignity while sailing the Sea of Thieves. It seems the latest craze to hit the taverns is putting one's spyglass between one's legs and waving it about.

We all like a bit of fun, but please try to be a little more mature. And stop asking people to look down the end!