Disclaimer: This is what happens when Captn Jaq can't hit the high seas with her maties... in particularly @Bern-Dimall and @Clumsy-George... espeeecially at the onset of making berth before even visualizing herself grabbing the helm all her lonesome.
Captn's Log: The Nineteenth of May in the Year of Our Lord Two-Thousand Eighteen
I set sail off the Port of I'z-Gots-No-Friends-Whatz-A-Lonely-Pirate-To-Do Outpost and made heading to the nearest isle, Kraken Falls of all things. In full-hearted honesty, I desired some random, preordained event like a Developer-given poofy fear-strickening, eye-flickerin' skull-cloud or sternilicious rudder sticking up and out the aquarius horizon. But nay, sadly, neither appeared before me and I made way to The Falls of Kraken, which is odd because there be neither falls nor kraken at The Falls of Kraken.
Whilst precariously running around looking for randomly, dropped booty, I stumbled upon a ...wait for it... .... .... ................ CAPTAIN's CHEST! Not a Captain's Larynx, Thorax, or Bronchial Cavity but -- AYE! A CAPTAIN'S CHEST!! After scanning the seas and realizing that all was safe, I hid the Captn's Chest within the bushes and ran the circumference, looking to spy any possible shinies or wooden crates. To my chagrin, I found none but was most welcomed by a volley of pistol fire and skully swashbuckling. I ventured forth to Crooked Mast during the near ship-deadening storm then to Ship-Wreck Isle within the most unadulterated sunshine. Neither feathered-fowl nor boar-head was found. Well, I lie. There was plentiful fowl and boar to be found.. in massive plenty.. it's just that there was the extreme lack of ill-forgotten treasure that I could not find.
So. I decided to yea-verily deliver my Chest and Booty to the nearest Outpost. I flew as fast as any maritime-ferret would flee to the said nearest Outpost ONLY TO FIND a sloop parked and registered there. With heart a'panicked, I played the risky-frisky sailor's way of things and raised sails, set the helm to auto-helmsman, jumped overboard with Captn's Chest in grimy grips, and sneakily bolted to the local GoldSmithy. HOWEVER, unbeknownst to the like of me, I had the urge to shout, "AHOY!" to the nearest disembodied pirate -- to, of course, come across as the most friendliest and civiliest of all pirates one ever did see. Only to be joyfully acknowledged by a disembodied "AHOY!" back at me.
And. Yet again. I hit the big, blue, wet thing with the direst of desires for adventure! YARRRRRRRRRRRRRRG!!!! Only to find ..cues the duh Duh DUUUUUUH music!.. a poofy fear-strickening, eye-flickerin' skull-cloud upon the ye olde firmatment!! So. Yet another "again." I BREAK WIND! -- i mean -- I SET SAIL for the fluffionimbus of dreaded death and doom!
As I set sail for the said fluffionimbus of dreaded death and doom, I spy a neighboring sloop, of whom belonged to the aforementioned disembodied pirate that I had aforementionedly mentioned ;'D As we sailed in parallel, I diverged right to the North in order to attack the Fort Keel Haul from a seemingly unprotected front. In doing so, the lil sloop-that-could veered elsewhere, away from the Fort Keel Haul. I scoped the waters and spied a galleon, turning and aiming at my lil neighbor sloop-friend. My intent was to aide my sloopy brethren against this gally of a foe when we all arrived at said destination, but the two had ventured far and away from the fort we all were aiming for. THEREFORE, I was the first to arrive at the skully fort, and the seeming unprotected front did not exist and fired upon me sloop's bow multiple times. SOOO. Now and forevermore, I set the course to auto-helmsman and FIRED me body to the nearest cannon tower. Oddily enough, I survived and ended VICTORIA of the two cannon towers. And my sloop was -- not oddily enough whatsoever -- smited within 2 to 5 seconds and sank a masterful death.
From then on til roughly 5 to 10 minutes, I survived my stranded, castaway life upon the once-quickly-forgotten-said-Skull-Fort by living upon bananas and Xbox App-worthy sunset screenshots. UNTIL an angel's voice descended from on high, asking if she could crash into my gameplay/crew/whateveryyouwanttocallit moment and asked if i could hear her, she could hear me, why I-still-haven't-gotten-the-handle-of-this-talking-technology-thing-because-I've-been-playing-on-this-system-for-almost-a-year-now until I had realized that the microphone wasn't properly plugged in.
Neither @Stacky-a nor I would realize, but unbeknownst to either of us, we had instigated the glitched, perfect/most easiest -- AYE -- Most.. EASIEST.. Skull Fort raid ever known to ALL OF Sea of Thieves PLAYERDOM. Asides from re-instigating the blasted thing, we only fought against 1 wave of Ghosties, 1 wave of Flowies, 1 wave of Goldies, and the REST -- AYE!! Rest INCLUDING THE CURSED CAPTAIN -- of REGULAR Dead People ALLLLLLLL without worry or care of worry of intruding, piratey, interlopers!!! ... cues that Operatic Standing Ovation MEME...aye, THAT one which everypirate-and-their-grandmarm-uses-round-here MEME!!!.. The goings on -- including the pillaging, plundering, and foreign payment of the Skullies' Booty and Looty -- was flawless.
...Sidenote: "Flawless" by totally disregarding that we had hoarded as many BoomBoom Barrels into the center of the King Skully Throneroom, and when Stacky said/yelled/screamed, [who knows really anymore how she said it, but that which mattered was the trigger had been pulled, figuratively and quite physically] "Go blow it." The last thing I remember seeing was Stacky disappearing into the ether within a mystical greenish vapour, a beautiful flowering cloud of rusty orange, and the floor rushing to meet my face... Nonetheless! No pirate tried to stop us. We two piratesses sailed liked queens upon the turquoise foam and waters. It was and still is a record-keeping moment for the ages.
So. Upon final cash-in of the fortified plunder, Stacky and I had agreed upon celebrating our masterful deed at Ye Olde Captn's Head, which entirely makes sense since if ye have a captain's chest there surely should be a captain's head somewhere, but strange enough, there be no wash closets at said Head -- but I digress -- and THUS commenced the PUKING!
Never upon my piratey life have I drank so much to retain so little... so much green slime, reminiscent of pea soup, as far as the eye could see and NOT see... upon the floor, the barmaid, the table, the chandelier, my hair, Stacky's face, counter-top, banana barrel, fireplace, tankard, and bucket. If one ever questioned the abilities to vomit up and out grog across this very thieving sea and to be totally plastered like a newly erected panel of sheet-rock dry-wall, one has never drank a bottomless tankard of grog for nearly 10 to 15 minutes. And thusly thus! Captn Jaqy had a insanely brilliant idea!
Me: Hey, Stacky!
Stacky: Yes, Jaq?
Me: How about we create our OWN challenge, achievement, whatever they call it, get TOTALLY WASTED, and try to dig up this treasure I found the riddle to on Smuggler's???
Stacky: Sure!
And THUSFULLY thus, we ran to our ship with a swagger only an utterly inebriated maritime male would know and disembarked for Smugglerrr's Baaay. BUT not until we tried a much dire preluding challenge of our own: loading ones self into cannon whilst drunk and firing ones self out of said cannon whilst punking like a New York City Central Park Fountain!!! With challenge accepted, we procured our designated 3 tankards of grog and hit to the Puke Deck. Stacky was the first. And I give her a 10 for grogorous dismount and a 10 for sticking the landing. I -- for the other hand -- wouldn't receive such marks due to panicking that I had loss all my inebriation and vomit and landed on a MASSIVE belly-flop [ course in hindsight, because hindsighting isn't really 20-20 but more like 20-70 at this point, the Drunken Cannonball Challenge miiight have happened after this next recollection so please bare with me].
SO. Yet again [...and how many "agains" has this been already? because I've honestly lost count by now] we set sailed but figured that we'd keep this true to form, go the whole 20,000 leagues, and get [if you haven't gotten theme by this point ye should have seeeriously read the title to this post more carefully] plasteredly drunk whilst finding the Smuggler's buried treasure. Upon arriving to the shores of The Bay of a Particular Smuggler, who if-ye-pulled-into-'is-so-said-bay-he'd-no-less-blast-ye-five-times-before-askin'-ye-why-the-bloomin'-'eck-arrr-ye-sailin'-into-mebay-wit'-out-askin'-me-ferst, it was voted upon our crew of two that we should and shall discover the locales of the 4 precursoring clues before getting plasteredly drunk because this isle is as blustedly hard as Ye Olde Faithful Isle when it comes to riddle treasures.
SO! We saved our tankards. AND to our BLISS or Developer-Blessed-and-therefore-preordained revelry, the mystical light bestowed upon us the final riddle! "Find the drunken dead dude, take 7 steps dat a way, and dig to yer deaths ye greedy barrel-b***s." Course, maties, twern't that verbatim but ye got the point. ... One thing I can say -- with hand to me heart -- is that walking 7 paces whilst inebriatedly intoxicated is a challenge, BUT shovel DID strike up golden trim and ruby inlay, accompanied with GREAT fanfare of utterly angry dead guys with swords sheened and blunderbusts bustin'. AND I also can still say that shoveling as fast as ye can whilst ye matie and ye are getting pumelleted by skellies whilst DRUNK ain't no easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy holiday at the beach.
Stacky and I survived with the Captn's Chest and the partially half eaten health bar of our lives due to the rear Smuggler's Bay diving board...which isn't really a diving per se but more of a INLAND GANGPLANK OF DEATH. Just thought ye all should know that before aspiring to become Sea of Thieves' next gold medalist pirates for high diving, cliff jumping -- unless that be yer thing then BY ALL MEANS go fer it.
This is where, maties, the tale takes a slightly unique turn. Whilst looking for Drunkard's Chest, I procured another shiney bottle that would lead us to Lonely Isle to battle 3 Dead Sea Captns. AND not so uniquely enough, Captn Jaqy had ANOTHER insanely brilliant idea!
Me: Hey, Stacky!
Stacky: Yes, Jaq?
Me: How about we create ANOTHER challenge, achievement, whatever they call it, get TOTALLY WASTED, and try to slay these 3 Skully Caps???
Stacky: Sure!
And thustily THUS! Another Drunken Challenge was born! ..cues the duh Duh DUUUUUUH music once again!.. Oddly enough, this piratey pownage wasn't all that bad. Albeit, there was plenty of screaming, laughing, running, flying cannonballs, swords flaying, and piratesses saying, "Ahoy, Mr Ferryman. How's it going?" to be had but... aye, it wasn't that bad at all. So! With Chests properly stowed, we sailed to the nearest Outpost and cashed in without peril. And upon surveying the waters, I spy with my lil eye something brown, wooden, and BIG! No...not a palm tree on steroids BUT a Gally of a Foe in the distance! AND ... YET AGAIN! Lightning had struck me brain!
Me: Hey, Stacky!
Stacky: Yes, Jaq?
Me: ( sailing on this so natural high of #PirateLife that I start to giggle snort beyond measure) Just guess what I'm about to say. Just guess.
Stacky: (also sailing on that same so natural high of #PirateLife that she starts to laugh at ourselves and my giggling giddy-snorts ) No. I want you to say it.
Me: Ok... How about we create Yet ANOTHER challenge, achievement, whatever they call it, get TOTALLY WASTED, and try to take on that Galleon Ship???
Stacky: . . . What Galleon Ship?
Me: That over there! (points)
Stacky: Oh. Ok!
And FINALLY thusty! We set sail to cross hulls at that poor, poor, poor could-be-innocent-by-stander-but-who-really-knows-because-hello-"Pirates!". I can't honestly remember who took the helm and rigging, but both of us had drank 4 tankards full of our ship's grog barrel and needed something to hold onto. As our ship sailed like only an utterly inebriated maritime male driven ship could, the Gally was so shook by our presence, they fled ... only to have discovered that they merely relocated to the other side of the isle. BUT low and behold! The Mighty Developers had bestowed upon Stacky and me a sternilicious rudder sticking up and out the aquarius horizon! With heavy grog upon the brain, we voted upon setting ourselves as bait to lure said Gally out as we ventured upon a MINI Drunken Side Challenge: Getting TOTALLY WRECKED on WRECKED GROG!! Aye! And it IS possible! ..Sidenote: Where as falling and swimming in water will sober ye up quick, the effects are not so easily removed if ye GET drunk WHILE in water ;'D ..
The Gally wasn't lured by our sloop so we sailed round and shooed them from their island hiding place. With nothing left to lose but maybe our dignity -- but after doing all the drunkardly things we had done by that point, there'd be no dignity left -- we pursued them to their cashing out point, Sanctuary Outpost. In trying to see a strange @x-Deaver-x swimming to our ship, I slipped overboard. Stacky took helm and parked the boat veeery near their ship. The battle-plan was to use psychological warfare by puking upon them and roughing them up a bit. HOWEVER, we were PUMMELED!
They boarded our naked ship, slew Stacky, slew me, slew us both in the Tavern, in our ship, in our ship again, in the Tavern one more time, BEFORE setting sail to who knows where. SO! As any drunken sailor should, we went in puking pursuit for a second time: Stacky to the helm and I to the cannon! I fired upon them to lure them back, and . . . it didn't work. HOWEVER, Stacky had given our ship a farewell kiss to the dock and a teachable moment was made: plastering the hull whilst plastered is NOT as easy as one would think.
So back to Stacky! Stacky was on the helm and I the cannon. In getting more cannonballs, I discovered we were taking upon more water, patched a stern whole, and REALIZED we had NO MORE PLANKS! Though how endangerous that might seem, having no loot and no wood makes ramming a ship MUCH easier. After Stacky fell overboard, I took the helm, did some maniacal maneuvers, and RAMMED them! [Ramming would be a theme from here on out, maties, so brace yerself] Stacky had gotten eaten by a shark whilst I mis-boarded their ship, grabbed onto their ladder, and got clipped by one of their pistol pellets. We went in puking pursuit for a third and FINAL time.
Within this exchange, cannonballs flew fiercely. Our ship rams theirs, and Stacky and I BOTH end up in the water. Precariously, a BoomBoom barrel is resting on the side board of their hull for who knows why a pirate would put a BoomBoom Barrel THERE of all places... I pulled out my scope and BLASTED the BoomBoom Barrel to kingdom come!... taking out the poor bloke trying to man the cannon nearest to our bow. Stacky and I both end on their Lido Deck, drinking their grog and eating their bananas. By that time, water had completely filled their lowest deck. The White Tag crew was in a PANIC. Stacky and I weren't thirsty fer thar loot but their grog so we fought in self-defense and lost in self-defense. @Po7-InC-420 was the piratess to finally take down Stacky. @Luka1951 was my slayer. Both pirates were very brave of heart and courage-filled. R')
. . . at day's end of our drunken seafaring ways, we rested upon the sands of Lone Cove and enjoyed a well-deserved nap.
Surely, our children shall speak of this.. our children's children.. and their children.. and so on and so forth until Doomsday near shall we relive that day in greatest of all memory. ..sniffles.. Anypirate got a tissue? . . .
..a few songs that could very well be played as backdrop for this tavernous tale..
The best battle preparation, Grog!!!!
What do you do AS a Drunken Sailor wCaptn Jaq and Stacky A...Prt III of III
