As told: by an old drunken sea dog exchanging tales for tankards of grog in the Drowned Rat.
Well…..as the legend goes, nobody knows where he came from, and nobody knows where the legend began. But our story starts in England, because…..…that’s where he came from and that’s where the legend began. Anyway, the legend has it that he was betrothed to a beautiful but promiscuous lady of refinement. A lady so refine, that she demanded the acquisition of a rare Aztec ruby ring before she would give her hand in marriage to a suitor. But, unbeknownst to anyone at the time, the ring was actually a mystical thingamajig whatsaname, what granted the beholder with the power to not be killed.
So, off goes the Dread Pirate Fox in search of this mystical thingamajig whatsaname, and he found it. Didn't take him much time at all, it was pretty easy, just lying there in plain sight right in the first cave he visited. Some could even argue that he just found a ring in a cave. But he returned to his betrothed with the ring in hand, only to discover lo and behold, that she’d already tied the knot with someone else. Apparently, she didn't need the ring to marry him because he was really handsome and had a really big………....spyglass.
Now, as you can imagine this didn't sit too well with the Dread Pirate Fox, and he demanded satisfaction in the form of an honourable gentleman’s duel. A duel in which, he decided to wear the ring, shoot first and miss horribly, and get killed in the process. Now, you could assume our tale ends here, but, far from it. Like I said, the ring was a mystical thingamajig whatsaname, what granted the beholder with the power to not be killed. So, after he was killed, the ring made it as so he was not killed.
Once back not killed, but also not satisfied nor winning the hand of his beloved. He sought to seek vengeance owed to him from the man he had taken to calling “Stinkglass”. Upon learning that Stinkglass was a commander in the navy, he banded together a rabble of drunken misanthropes staring their death in the eye at the bottom of an empty tankard, and offered them a worthy death fit for any pirate. Then, when that didn't work he offered them gold. After assembling his crew they sailed for several nights and several days until eventually catching up to Stinkglass’ fleet, where they were instantly cut to ribbons with cannon fire what killed every last man aboard.
But once again, the Dread Pirate Fox was made as so to not be killed by the ring, and instead chose to run away with his tail between his legs to go and have some fun as a privateer. During this time, also known as “the bit no one talks about”, he visited an island what was completely inhabited by snakes. There was snakes everywhere, in the grass, in the trees, in the snakes…….they were all over the place. The name of this snake island escapes me, but the point is…….. he was killed by snakes.
Yeah, he got killed a lot. He was killed by sharks, skeletons, firing himself out of a cannon, pirates, pirates, more pirates, trying to make friends with pirates, drowning, pirates again, falling out of the crows nest, boom booms, and visiting an island what was completely inhabited by chickens………….yeah he was killed by chickens.
But after about a year of being killed over and over again, he learnt of some interesting news. It seemed a captain by the name of Cross, was one day playfully skimming stones across the surface of the sea, when he accidentally sunk a whole armada with a couple of pebbles. Amongst the dead be none other than Stinkglass, and the Dread Pirate Fox drew a bearing straight for England and his beloved.
But alas, it was too late, for she had remarried once again, this time with a man who had an even bigger spyglass. The Dread Pirate Fox argued with his beloved over the size of his own spyglass, insisting that it was of an average width and girth, and could easily accommodate any woman who knew how to use it properly. But the sentiment fell on deaf ears, and was cast aside in favour of a greater circumference. He once again took to the seas, this time possessed with the notion of obtaining the perfect spyglass. One spyglass to rule them all you could say, although others chose to say he developed a complex over it, but that’s neither here nor there.
A few weeks later his beloved died of internal bleeding, and the Dread Pirate Fox once again visited the shores of England to bid her a farewell. Standing beside the gravestone of his beloved he then took off the ring and swore an oath, never to use it again, and placed it inside his pocket for a keepsake.
Legend has it that after that, he was sailing back towards Golden Sands when his ship was struck by a random pebble what killed him for good. That was the last anyone ever saw of the Dread Pirate Fox. Some say……. that the ring was more of a curse than a blessing. Some say……. that a more appropriate name for the ring, would of been “the mystical thingamajig whatsaname, what granted the beholder with the power to not stay dead”. Some say……. that if you’re sailing towards Golden Sands Outpost……..on a cold….…….dark……..bitter night……..you can still hear th….oh crumbs there he is over there being sick into a bucket, nobody make eye contact.
The old drunken sea dog proceeds to whistle "what shall we do with the drunken sailor" as he watches the Dread Pirate Fox through his peripheral vision in a way that's not even close to being completely obvious.
