Part 1: curse of the mystical thingamajig whatsaname
Part 2: dead man's tale of death and stuff
As told: by the Dread Pirate Fox himself in a journal that was recovered by Mike the Mutinous, and then further recovered by Three Sheets Neate along with some Mutinous gold, before eventually being recovered back by the Dread Pirate from the wreckage of two ships.
So where did I leave things off ……oh right …… that blaggard Stinkglass took my hand and fed me to the kraken. Well, I guess I’ll explain briefly how it is that I’m still not dead ………… I’m still not dead ………. There, now that the explanations over, I must confess that I have pondered over the subject for some time. The best thing I’ve been able to come up with so far is that I wore the ring for a great deal of time. Such a long time, that the rings magic must have infused itself with my life essence, slowly but surely building up a resilience in my body to the elements of death, until eventually my body no longer needed the ring to repel the dark energy from beyond. Then again ……… it could have also been the matching amulet that I found along with the ring?
But I digress …….. Once I’d fitted a hook that complimented my penmanship, I assembled a new crew who were beyond material possessions, such as gold and their health, to help me pursue a noble quest of enlightenment. The only caveat was ….… I wasn’t telling them that. No, they thought we were sailing for Athena’s fortune or some such, when in actual fact I was trying to acquire a spyglass that looked bigger than anyone else’s. Please don’t misunderstand though…….my spyglass is well sized, and many women have told me so.… at sunset or sunrise it looks just as big as others …… even more so when it’s dark. Again …….. the size is more than adequate, I just needed one that “appeared” to be bigger, because obviously …….. mine’s well sized.
First things first though, I had to get back my ship the “Conqueror’s Bad Firedrake”, because ……??????……. I wanted it. Rumour had it, that it was docked at Plunder Outpost and now belonged to a lazy self entitled Captain, who didn’t quite get how self entitlement worked when he chose “lazy”. Upon requesting the return of the ship, he informed me of an ancient mystical thingamajig whatsaname that was fiercely guarded by tribe’s people, and a lingering presence of death that surrounded the entire island with death stuff. He then said that I could only have the ship back if I agreed to take on this perilous journey in his place, returning the treasure to him once I was done. To which I agreed …..…….. then I just stole the ship instead.
Next, I needed a treasure map that I could look at when I wanted to ignore people. But my reputation with the Gold Hoarders was low after that thing I did with their maps, I’d stolen them, so I had to visit the Order of Souls instead. I was greeted by a lady who didn’t know how to use a mirror when applying her makeup, and asked if she had an eye infection, then I felt awkward and quickly asked if she had any maps for spyglasses. She then informed me that she’d already foreseen my arrival, because she was on the pier when I arrived, and that my destiny was to be that of a great pirate legend. “The chosen thing or whoever”, who dedicated their existence to helping the Order of Souls gather lots of skulls, so they would have ………... even more skulls. I told her, “That sounds a lot like me, and reflects my character traits almost perfectly”, then I just stole the maps instead.
Once we were back out at sea everything started to go wrong though. We heard an ominous eerie ominous wailing sound from below the ship, which was eerily ominous. At first I thought it was that blasted kraken back for more, but it turned out to be so much worse than that …….. and ominous. This thing had a look of maliciousness and hunger in its eye’s like I’d never seen before, and the stench was unbearable …………… it was Stinkglass trapped in our brig. I’d only been away from the Firedrake for a couple of days, but the stench was pretending it was years.
He rose to his feet quickly and demanded a gentlemen’s duel, asking that if he won he’d get his freedom back, and that if I won he’d get his freedom back. But I politely decline with a condescendingly hysterical laugh, and then suggested that it would only be fair if both of us had lost a hand, and that maybe one of us should really enjoy taking the other ones. Then he began to beg, and said he’d heard things, profitable things, of monetary value, that could benefit someone, someone who was a captain ……... but I had no idea what he was talking about. “YOU, you blithering idiot, I’m saying I can make us both rich!”. I turned around to make sure no one was listening but they’d already passed out. “The Eye of Length, the legends were true …… and I just so happen to know where it is”. I said “What …..what makes you, I’m not ….. interested in that. Yeah, we’re doing skulls now, that’s are thing”. He said “Ok, fine, but I overheard the previous captain saying they’re going there right now”.
I returned to the helm and then looked at one of the skull maps to ignore someone. We went through map after map after map, but it was no use, we couldn’t find any spyglasses because every place we visited was swarming with cursed skeletons. At this point I began to suspect that the maps might be cursed somehow, even though there was no indication on them other than a massive picture of a cursed skeleton. However my fears were later confirmed to me, when one of the crew said that he’d told me the maps were cursed hours ago, but that I’d been ignoring him. I then looked at one of the skull maps until he went away.
After a quick visit to the brig we had a new destination for enlightenment, “Devil’s Ridge”, which was eerily ominous. I decided to let Stinkglass out because the men were complaining about the lack of air, but also mainly because ….. he wouldn’t tell me unless I did. Now the other ship may have had a couple of day’s head start on us, a crew who weren’t demoralised by pungent adversaries, and a map leading them straight to the treasure, but we had something that they didn’t have ………. oh no wait, we’d lost that, never mind.
It was very dark when we made our approach towards the island, but I was still able to make out their ship moored next to a waterfall through my well sized spyglass. So we circled round to the other side planning to surprise them, but when we got there Stinkglass immediately jumped ship and ran off into the darkness. We gave chase following the trail of dead snakes into the bushes and accidentally stumbled upon a cave system overlooking their ship. It was perfect, now we could watch their every move without them ever seeing us, there was only one problem ……... they saw us.
Some of the men fled and got back to the Firedrake just in time to sail off and stop her from falling into enemy hands, while the rest of us preferred the smell of the caves. We all ran deeper into the cave system expertly picking out places to hide, but somehow they were able to find all of us in the big open spaces. We were then stripped of all our weapons and had our thumbs pulled out of our mouths as we were brought before their captain. I should have known ………... it was Jerkglass ……. and he was wearing my ring.
I’d rather cleverly given him the name of Jerkglass, because he once pretended to be my friend and then threw all of my things in the sea …… and maybe something to do with spyglasses as well ……... but then I wouldn’t really know, because I didn’t see anything happen on one particular night. Anyway, he took one look at me and instantly remembered, asking “Have we met before, because you look like a no good rotten filfy s*****g, and they’re some of me bestest mates”, he just didn’t remember that well. “Oh, nah wait, I remember you. Yeah, you’re the guy with the small whatsaname”, in fact he remembered quite badly. “Actually it’s well sized, but yes, I’m the Dread Pirate Fox”. Then he said “Right, well, I don’t really want to talk to you anymore, so ……. we’re gonna have to kill ya now”.
It seemed that they’d spent the last couple of days on the island trying to decipher an extremely cryptic riddle map, but were unable to do so, on account of them being …… well, them. So I bartered for our lives and promised to solve the riddle in exchange for our freedom, to which they agreed. But something about the way they were laughing and snickering made me think that they were lying to us, I just couldn’t put my hook on what it was.
The first clue was easy though: “what looks like a cave, smells like a cave, and is spelt like a cave, maybe it’s a cave”. My deductive powers of reasoning lead me to believe that it might in fact be ……. a cave ……. and it only took me two guesses. The second clue however is where things became far more cryptic: “what you seek is bigger than most, a doorway next to a waterfall, shine a light there to witness a humble boast”. After walking around the waterfall passageway with a light held out for several hours, we finally got lucky and found it, when someone decided to put their lantern away and then pull it back out again. A segment of the cave wall then crumbled away revealing a secret chamber and some poor masonry workmanship.
We entered the secret chamber with only one last clue keeping us from retrieving the Eye of Length: “Its gaze will amaze, its gaze is ablaze, its gaze is tempered by the nights and the days, on a fitting throne of dust and stone, it longingly awaits a sailors groan, on a fitting throne it rests alone, no words are spoken but a wailing moan”. Good thing it was another easy one, which I solved very easily, almost too easily, so easily …… that …… words can’t fully express how easy it was, it was “that” easy. I won’t even bother you with the tedium of explaining it all, because that would be insulting to your intelligence.
Anyway, after I accidentally kicked over the banjo and mouth instrument, a bright green light shone revealing even more poor masonry work, but with it the Eye of Length. It was immaculate ……. it was pristine …… it was …… ehh …….. kind of well sized for my liking. I mean, it was ok, I guess, in the right light it looked fine, but ……. I don’t know. Then Jerkglass picked it up and extended it to its full length …. Wow ….. it was almost as big as mine, except it looked ten times bigger, accounting for the current lighting of course.
He then sent a runner to take the Eye of Length to his ship, which I’m sure he would have done himself, except, he was far too busy snickering while his crew stacked explosive barrels next to us. I was starting to get a bad feeling similar to drinking the grog at Galleon’s Grave Outpost, so I gave the man who was guarding us one of the skull maps to read, and swiped his cutlass when he was ignoring me. “Don’t shoot, you’ll blow da boom booms”, Jerkglass exclaimed to his men, “You can’t win Fox me matey, I got this mystical thingamajig whatsaname see, grants the beholder with the power to not be killed”. I said “No”, then I sliced off his hand that was wearing the ring with my ………. trusty stolen cutlass that’s not to be questioned.
The loud crying that followed then disorientated everyone enough that we were able to get to our weapons, and begin fighting our way out of the caves. Jerkglass then ran off in a screaming fit, and his men surrendered to us saying that we could go do a skull fort together if we wanted. But I still had to get the Eye of Length first, because ……??????……. I wanted it, and, enlightenment or whatever. So I ran out of the cave and dove through the waterfall heroically, landing safely below, then I stubbed my toe on a rock …… also heroically.
The sun was now out, and I could clearly see Stinkglass stealing their ship through my ………. through someone else’s …….. small spyglass that I must have picked up by accident. The ship was sailing away quickly, too quickly to catch, but somehow I was able to throw my cutlass without letting go, and briefly swim through the sea like a fish holding onto a cutlass it had just thrown. I grabbed hold of the ladder and climbed up to the main deck only to hear: “Well, well, well, if it isn’t the …. DEAD …. Pirate Fox. Now I’m going to kill you in a place where we have equal footing, and this time you’re going to die …… I mean ….. you’re ..….. you’re going to die again, but, you’re going to stay dead this t …… you know what I mean”. I said “No”.
He’d hidden the Eye of Length somewhere on the ship, but it was impossible to know exactly where, and that glaring reflection coming from the crows nest wasn’t helping me either. Then, I remembered the magical amulet that I’d never used in a narrative driven context before, and even though it was a long shot, I decided to use it to try and summon the very thing that I wanted the most at that particular moment in time ………. but instead of a blunderbuss it gave me the Eye of Length, which fell into my hand as the ship swayed.
Stinkglass was not pleased, and vaulted down the stairs, slicing off his belt and flinging it into the sea as he drew his cutlass. Not being one to be upstaged, I drew my cutlass and then unfastened my belt, also throwing it into the sea. A menacing smile slid across his face quite unnervingly …….. I responded in kind by sticking my tongue out. Thunder and lightning began to rain down upon us as we were enveloped by a storm ……. along with some rain …….. which also rained down upon us. Then, as our swords clashed at the exact moment of a lightning strike …….. a random pebble hit the ship, igniting an explosive barrel which sent us both flying off into the sea.
I tried to throw my cutlass again to get back to the ship but it didn’t work for some reason, so I did the next best thing I could think of, and waited to die. Then I waited some more, and some more, and some more, but I wasn’t dying. In retrospect, maybe I should have tried to drown myself instead of just floating there eating a banana. But that’s when I saw it ……. I’d seen a lot of things in my years sailing the seas, magical rings, cursed skeletons, a ship ferrying the dead, but nothing to ever make me believe in the occult …….. until …….. I saw a fish lady holding a stick …….. or maybe it was a torch. She beckoned me closer with alluring gestures, but just like most of my relationships with women, she promptly sent me away again and I somehow found myself back on the Firedrake.
Unfortunately Stinkglass was also there, it seemed that the men had rescued him by mistake thinking that he was me, but were then captivated by an elaborately fictional tale of how he had shot me dead with a pistol. Which reminded me …..? there was still a small matter of a duel to be resolved. So I immediately plotted a course for the closest island, which was Mutineer Rock, and then realised that we were already there when somebody told me. After giving her one of the skull maps to read, I then took Stinkglass out to the island alone, knowing that one way or another, this was the last time we would be crossing paths.
I had taken off the amulet as a sign of sporting conduct and fair play, and then promised him that if he won he’d get his freedom back. But that if I were to win, he’d only get a runner up prize of significantly lesser value. I then handed him a pistol which he immediately fired at me, but was empty. Then I explained that because I was unable to trust him, due to an extremely heightened sense of being able to tell if someone’s a blaggard, we would be walking to opposite ends of the island and only then loading our shot before turning around to fire. If someone were to load their shot sooner than that, they would more than likely be picked off by one of the sharpshooters on the Firedrake with an eye of reach.
Reluctantly, he agreed, and began walking slowly to his end of the island. Then, when he got there he frantically loaded his pistol as fast as he could, and turned around to see that we’d all gone. Of course, I was able to see the whole thing unfold through my extraordinarily well sized spyglass. Which according to the legend, is supposed to grant the beholder with the power to not ….. not be able to see into the future. But I think a more appropriate name for it would have been: “The magical spyglass which nobody could figure out how to get to work properly”.
Now, there is a rumour that the original pirate legends know how to get it to work. But ……. I don’t exactly have a good reputation with them after that thing I did with some of their clothes. And …… then I did also want to visit the Devil’s Roar, which sounded eerily ominous in the description given to me by a man made of ash who couldn’t breathe properly. But, as to just what exactly I was going to do next, well, let’s just say that ……. not even somebody with a magical spyglass could see into the future. There was one thing that plagued my mind however, a notion I had, that …….… in a cave ……… there was a ring ……….. an ancient mystical ring …….